I am terrified of wasps.

Klautermauffen

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and there are two in my home. somewhere. right now. I am so damn terrified of these things, that I wrapped myself in a robe, ran to the kitchen, opened a window, and then locked me and my children in the back room.

I tried to look (yes, I'm serious.... sadly) online for the best way to kill one swiftly and without it getting near you/stinging you. I found:

How to kill a house wasp-like a ninja

October 14th, 2007 · 37 Comments

Periodically we’ll get a wasp in the house. You know how it is.
One moment, you’re snacking on toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips, and the next, all hell breaks loose because a wasp starts dive-bombing random targets around the room.
The toast? Fuggetaboutit. One eye’s on the wasp, the other, frantically scanning the room for potential weapons–a fly swatter, a magazine, a shoe, a flame-thrower–something.
Anything.
For the briefest of moments, you even consider that toxic bug spray in the closet. Then you spot it. Sitting on the coffee table, not three feet away, is Al Gore’s, An Inconvenient Truth. The weapon of choice for desperate wasp killers.
Perfect.
You grab it, crouch, and wait for the wasp to land. For a moment, it hovers near the blades of a ceiling fan. Then, as if in a in a drunken stupor, it bobs and weaves toward the wall. For what seems an eternity, it darts around a window. Maybe it dives at an armchair.
Adrenalin laced thoughts whiz through your skull.
Why can’t it just land and make it easy for me.
If it lands on the curtains, I wonder if I can still squish it between the book and the wall?
Do wasp guts stain?
Maybe I should take a swing at it in mid-air.
Maybe, though, I’d just piss it off.
If I pissed it off, would it attack–fly down the front of my shirt, sting me mercilessly until it finally crawled up my neck and into my ear?
I wonder how that teacher dude in Karate Kid picked off that fly with a pair of chopsticks.
I wish I was him right now.
Meanwhile the wasp, understanding this internal monlog completely, bounces nonchalantly against the ceiling, making its way back to the center of the room.
Suddenly it dives right at you, causing you to flail your arms and make panicky grunting noises.
The wasp, chuckling with satisfaction, glides back up to the ceiling fan, lands on one of the lights, turns, and gives you the finger.

What are you going to do? Trash a perfectly good light fixture? Even if you did take a swing, the bastard’s protected by the other lights, fan blades, and curved nature of the glass around the bulb.
And now you begin to grasp the reality of the situation: You could be at this all night.
Curses. Bloody Red Barron.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. And today I make my revenge by revealing an ancient technique I learned while studying in the orient. The same one I used on that actual unsuspecting wasp in the picture above.
Warning: the following pictures are of a graphic and violent act perpetrated against a real wasp that actually flipped me the bird.
Follow these steps exactly–there is no room for error. Failure to do so could result in death by wasp sting to the inner ear.

  1. Quickly find a scissors.
  2. Sneak up behind the wasp.
  3. Using one fluid motion, thrust the scissors forward, snip, and slice the son-of-a-whore in two.
Usually all that’s left after that is to pick up the pieces. The only tricky part is getting close enough with your opened scissors before it takes flight. As risky as this seems, most wasps are so blinded by arrogance they never suspect any trouble. It’s not their experience that men, sneaking around light fixtures with toast crumbs on their face, are actually highly trained killing machines.
It’s not their experience that men, sneaking around light fixtures with toast crumbs on their face, are actually highly trained killing machines.
While I’ve never actually been stung doing this, you should know, while very slick, this technique is not completely foolproof.
Take tonight for instance.
After the wasp landed in the ceiling fan, I looked around for a scissors–but the only one I could find was one of those plastic- child-not-really-sharp-ones. Still, I didn’t think it would make a difference.
Maybe it didn’t. Maybe I just missed my mark. But what happened next wasn’t exactly by the book. Instead of cutting it in two, I somehow managed to only pinch its antennae between the tip of the scissor blades.​

Don’t ask me how. It’s never happened before. In fact, I later called the office of Strange But Totally Cool Ways to Kill Dangerous Insects and they told me that the odds of this happening are actually like a bazillion to one.
Anyway, after having my daughter take a picture. I found another scissors in an old Swiss Army Knife and took care of business.
So, my friends, there you have it.
Domestic men of the world rejoice. For no longer are we at mercy of this dangerous menace. No longer will we piss ourselves when we hear that loathsome buzzing. Today, the playing field has been leveled–just remember to wipe the food off your face.

___________________________

while amusing... I need suggestions. If there is anyone on right now, please humor me. My husband (the bug killer) is off at Basic and I may die of fright in my back room.

:yociexp37:
 

Klautermauffen

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Armed with a purse and wrapped in million layers of clothing, I tried to convince myself to brave it and just find them. I finally climbed onto one counter to inspect one side of the cabinets. One of the light fixtures brushed my hair. I flipped balls and ran away :(

I give up. Hopefully they flew out the window.
 

Blood

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Hmm...I would suggest doing what i do when i find wasps or other flying insects in my house...but i doubt you are willing to gently cup it in your hand and set it free outside..

I'd try to spray the fuck out of it with any hairspray or other bug repellent type stuff you have around the house in hopes of stunning it so it'll fall on the ground and you can either squish it or pick it up with something and flush it or throw it outside.

I mentoned the hairspray only because after it drys it tends to harden and it might make the little guy heavy enough that he won't be able to fly right. But bug spray works well too...but i'm not sure you want those kinds of crazy fumes choking your kids.

Any other method like spazzing at it with a broom will only piss it off and make it fly around the house wildly and you might end up breaking something in your panic or worse..getting yourself stung.
 

Klautermauffen

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Hmm...I would suggest doing what i do when i find wasps or other flying insects in my house...but i doubt you are willing to gently cup it in your hand and set it free outside..

I'd try to spray the fuck out of it with any hairspray or other bug repellent type stuff you have around the house in hopes of stunning it so it'll fall on the ground and you can either squish it or pick it up with something and flush it or throw it outside.

I mentoned the hairspray only because after it drys it tends to harden and it might make the little guy heavy enough that he won't be able to fly right. But bug spray works well too...but i'm not sure you want those kinds of crazy fumes choking your kids.

Any other method like spazzing at it with a broom will only piss it off and make it fly around the house wildly and you might end up breaking something in your panic or worse..getting yourself stung.
I had thought about hairspray, but the one can I have floating around here somewhere is empty :( And I have no toxic spray chemicals I could use.

Thank you! There's a reason right there to go buy some. For some reason there have been a lot of wasps coming in the windows lately. When I was little, we had this huge picture window and I would wait (hairspray in hand. my mom always had gallons of it) til they flew up against it to get out, spray a good amount on 'em and then torch 'em.

I'm not so brave anymore :(

And you are correct in thinking I would not lovingly cup it in my hand to set it free outside. I very much dislike bugs and am evil about killing them. I'm actually... hehe in the process of training my two year old to be the new bug killer in the house. Anything that doesn't bite, I send him with cloth wipes or diaper soakers to go smoosh it. And he's actually pretty awesome with flies. He can catch them by their wings! But then they flail around and tickle his fingers. I'm like "kill it!" and he's all "It likes me!"

:(
 

KommieKat

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I've always had a mutual respect for wasps, especially from a distance.

My own term for them is: Satan's Brigade or The Devils Soldier....

Japan is known to have the biggest in the world. It's called Susume Bachi or Swallow wasp. Known to kill people.

I've had them chase me through the woods on a number of occasions.
The "fight or flight" response when meeting up with on of these suckers says....."run your ass off with your heels kicking you in the ass".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_giant_hornet


 

Unhappy Camper

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Indeed ^^

I've encountered a number of deadly variants around the globe.

Nature can truly suck ass on occasion, especially when one's job involves living in the out of doors for extended times.

Bottom line: No wasp is an endangered species .. kill that mofo.
 

Violet

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And I have no toxic spray chemicals I could use.
I don't mind bugs... until they are in my house. Then, it's on.


I've always found cleaning fluids work in a pinch. Windex, dusting spray, Lysol, etc. I'll smother the bitch in dish soap if I have to.
 

SittinGrumpy

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I can totally relate. I hate wasps and hornets, I have been known to leave the house until the hubbin clears the area. I have even jumped out of the car at a stop light when one got in.

Since living in the sticks I have gotten a lot better about it but there are times that my fear of them gets the best of me.
 

Negativecool

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The wasps won't sting you if you get close...Although, I cannot offer a guarantee of this considering the last time I was stung was by two wasps when I was minding my own fucking business...little assholes.

Anyway, by close I mean close enough to bash them with a rolled up newspaper, shoe, or something.

Cowgirl up and do it woman. Protect yo chilren!
 

Klautermauffen

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The wasps won't sting you if you get close...!
The first time I was stung was when I was a little girl. I was sitting in my front yard, talking to my little friend and enjoying the sunshine when I felt a pinch between my index and middle finger (the webby part). I looked down and there was a wasp, happily stinging me.

My hand swoll up to be too big to really do much. And it itched and hurt like crazy.

Wasps are the devil. And are not to be trusted.
 

Scarlet

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Stop being such a wimp...it's only an insect.
Instead of whinging about it...eat the fucking thing.



A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s twat. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife’s screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can’t rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he’ll perform the deed if the husband and wife don’t object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn’t stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, “What the hell’s happening?â€

To which the doctor replies, “Change of plan. I’m going to drown the ittle bastard!â€