joke thread

semj_gandel

Dude!
Jul 30, 2009
88
0
6
40
kansas
My Dear husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. You're either cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

PS: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to Aruba together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and %#%*%ing. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for seven years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million dollar Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 first-class tickets for us to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband

Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
 

semj_gandel

Dude!
Jul 30, 2009
88
0
6
40
kansas
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
 

semj_gandel

Dude!
Jul 30, 2009
88
0
6
40
kansas
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
 

semj_gandel

Dude!
Jul 30, 2009
88
0
6
40
kansas
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...
 

Freewilly

Family
Sep 16, 2010
290
0
16
44
Australia
A Blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a very hard jigsaw puzzle, and I cant work out how to get it started."
"What is it supposed to be when its finished?" asked her boyfriend.
"According to the picture on the box, its a rooster," she replies.
When the boyfriend arrives, the blonde shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the kitchen table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Secondly, I want you to relax," he says. "Lets have a cup of tea," he says with a deep sigh, " and then..............
"lets put these cornflakes back in the box,"
 

SlimSkeeter

Guest
Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, TSA can do it all by themselves, thank you very much.

Q. What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
A. A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends.""I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?""Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Q. What's the difference between a gay and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.

A Mexican accused of theft was appearing before the Judge. "Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English." The Judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?" The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"

I saw a Muslim fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services. It's 6.00 PM and they still haven't responded! I'm now starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

A man goes into a bar with a black cat sitting on top of his head. The bartender draws him a pint of Lowenbrau, brings it to him and says, "Look. I don't know if you realize it, but there's a CAT sitting on your head." "What of it?" asks the man. "I ALWAYS wear a cat on my head on a Monday afternoon." "But today's Tuesday," replies the barkeep. "Oh my God! Is it?" asks the man. "I must really look stupid!"

Q. How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A. The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q. What's the difference between E.T. and Mexicans?
A. E.T. got the point and went home.

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?” The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.” “I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man. “Then what’s the matter?" “I’m trying to give up drinking."

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do most Muslim rapes go unreported?
A. Goats can't testify.

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

Q. How long may you look at a Muslim with one eye closed?
A. Until the magazine is empty.

Q. What do you call a beautiful woman in Pakistan?
A. A tourist.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this also mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. Twenty years later you'll want a club and a spade.

A man running for mayor was making a speech and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!" A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?"

Then there was the suicidal coward. He wanted to run in front of a moving car and kill himself. Instead, he stood in front of a Parked car and wished he were dead.

Q. What is the definition of a smart ass?
A. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
 

SlimSkeeter

Guest
Q. How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room staff to get it out.

My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Q. Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?
A. Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

There are two things in life that I hate. racism and niggers.

Q. Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
A. Because black people have no rights.

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

Q. What's the difference between two dicks and a joke?
A. Your wife can't take a joke.

Q. What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews?
A. Boy scouts come back from camp.

Q. How do they measure the performance of gas chambers?
A. Killajews per second.

Q. How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
A. Pull up her sleeve.

Q. Why don't you ever see black people going on cruises?
A. They're not falling for that one again.

Q. What's black on top and white on the bottom?
A. Rape.

Q. Whats white on top and black on bottom?
A. Society

Q. What's Grey and looks good on police officers?
A. The world trade center

Q. What's the difference between the World Trade Center and the New York Mets?
A. The Mets collapse every September.

Q. What's blue and fucks homeless?
A. Hypothermia.

Q. How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just Juan

All Mexican and Black jokes are the same. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
 

Mamba

Uranium
Founder
May 22, 2008
2,288
1
66
I consider myself to have a pretty good sense of humour, however I don't agree with extremely offensive jokes with connotations of genocide.

To each their own.
 

Klautermauffen

F-f-f-f-f-f-f-founderrr
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
3,846
26
68
32
Seattle
Heh. i'm the asshole who busts out laughing at stupid shit in my head at random. that went over well at the 3 day turkey day family events.. =/
 

Gravy

Trunk Monkey
Jul 1, 2008
504
1
16
34
Sydney, Australia
I consider myself to have a pretty good sense of humour, however I don't agree with extremely offensive jokes with connotations of genocide.

To each their own.
I stopped telling those after I made a Jew joke to a girl who I didn't realise was a Jew, until she showed me her star of David tattoo on her wrist.. OOPS!
 

SlimSkeeter

Guest
I consider myself to have a pretty good sense of humour, however I don't agree with extremely offensive jokes with connotations of genocide.

To each their own.
^ yeah . this.

seriously dark humor makes the world go round. moar, plz.
I got this from an e-mailing list I forgot I was on. I rarely get anything from that site. I haven't even visited in over a year. BUT I figured "What the hell" and made some copypasta. I thought most of them were funny. If ya can't laugh at it, it wins, really. The things we fear/hate only have power over us if we let them.

So..laugh at them and they lose whatever hold they have.
 

Mamba

Uranium
Founder
May 22, 2008
2,288
1
66
I thought most of them were funny. If ya can't laugh at it, it wins, really. The things we fear/hate only have power over us if we let them.

So..laugh at them and they lose whatever hold they have.
I disagree.

I think by making these jokes and/or by laughing at them you (the general you) remove their importance. The Holocaust in particular, is a barbaric subject and these jokes transmit pure disrespect to those people who died and the survivors and relatives of those who lost loved ones. While I am NOT a Jew, and neither is anyone in my family - nor did I lose anyone in the Holocaust - I still consider those jokes offensive.

I also fail to see what could possibly be amusing about the slaughter of one million children and over 5 million adults, all of whom were innocent.
What about the millions of NON Jews who died at the hands of the Nazi's? Do you find their deaths funny too?

Believe me, I understand that jokes are one of the ways that we deal with situations which are difficult or socially unacceptable, but I DON'T agree with the ethos that "anything goes". Some people think that nothing should be censored, well I am of of the mind that certain things should be. But, that comes down to respect - not because I think we SHOULDN'T talk about them - in fact we should perhaps have a discussion minus the jokes, actually talk about the subjects that we feel we cannot discuss because they are taboo - instead of mindlessly laughing at them.

Why should we laugh at these things? Because we do not understand them fully? Or because we want to broach the subject? I find that these kind of jokes do not illuminate anything i.e what have we learned - what have we brought to the table?

I can never figure out if people make these jokes for their shock value (if so, why?), if they can't think of more intelligent humour, or whether they actually want to talk about a subject - yet find it difficult to do so.

As I said, to each their own.
 

Klautermauffen

F-f-f-f-f-f-f-founderrr
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
3,846
26
68
32
Seattle
Ugh, you sound like my dad on the topic of "ghey" and how it should be omitted from the English language as anything other than its use as a synonym for 'homosexual'.

Everyone on the planet has some sensitive subject just like Miss Mamba here.

My thoughts? Get over it.

If we all pandered to the "oh, that hurts my heart", we'd not be able to talk about anything without some sort of disclaimer...

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, and I don't intend for it to.. but could you please pass the butter?
 

SlimSkeeter

Guest
You have to realize that dark humor is not everyones cup of liquidized baby.
NO humor is across the board. Some like knock knock jokes, some like mundane stuff, and some like the sick and twisted. Most, if not all jokes are based on some sort of pain or suffering inflicted on someone or something, either intentionally or by design. The real question is to what degree of humiliation/pain/suffering your preference is.