Just thoughts

stopwatch

Family
Jul 11, 2008
106
0
16
32
In transition
The Blank Slate

If I sit down any evening after a long day pushing the pencil (or the laser mouse, more appropriately in this age of low-rung work) and allow myself to think in the dark, I want to go back.

I want to go back to the days before my first love broke my heart; before the first bad grade. Back before the first time I made someone hate me. Before I hated someone else. Back to a time before I allowed life to smudge my clean slate.

Anyone misses that purity; that feeling of being untouchable. Having no limits, no baggage, no pain, no faltering looks to the past. Those blank slate days are the superman days. When you could stay up all night and not feel like a train hit you the next day by 10:30am. Those were the days before your current companion could remind you of your past. They were the days when your mind was totally free. And you could attain the maximum level of happiness.

Or so I think when I let myself think in the dark.

That train of thought spirals unhealthily down the path of Silverstein’s could’ve would’ve should’ve – and paralyzes any further life. It troubles you, makes you fearful at every turn: that you will live a moment that will further lock you up. Every day is a trap, every moment is a further restriction of freedom.

Pff.

What I forgot in those sullen, brooding moments is what life is. You can’t glide through life – escaping through it without a smudge – and really live. What an absurd thought! What is life, if not a series of smudges: prodding and molding and making and creating! Stagnant, sterile, opposites of life! What is life, if not these smudges?

And so I finish my glass of wine, laughing to myself. The only direction that life can take us is richer. The only way to move ahead is to get dirt on your shoes. Who and where are we without the smudges and pictures and scratches on our slates? Only a fool desires to keep the story out of the book. The smell and look of new bound paper may be pleasant, but it is absurdly nothing when compared with a story.

Especially one as riveting as life.
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
0
16
51
Rule Britannia!
Kudos to you. A beautifully written post.


I have often pondered on the last (at least) 24 years, and, in hindsight would love to return to any given time empowered with the knowledge of how things could be.

But my life - with its twists and turns, its ups and downs, its chances taken and missed - have made me who I am today. And I wouldn't change that for the world.
 

Silly Cunt

Fingerbanger
Founder
Mar 30, 2008
382
0
16
41
Western Australia
Well done, I did enjoy it.

I, almost embarrasingly, was born without the feeling of remorse, and therefor lack proper concientous thought.

Your thread did make me stop and think about my past actions and choices, albeit briefly, but alas you did make me ponder.

I shall return to my chainsaw life. Adios.
 

Polar Bear

ppbbtt! -excuse me.
Founder
Mar 5, 2008
1,009
15
68
45
I have often pondered on the last (at least) 24 years, and, in hindsight would love to return to any given time empowered with the knowledge of how things could be.

But my life - with its twists and turns, its ups and downs, its chances taken and missed - have made me who I am today. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

That's actually a popular response to why someone would ultimatly decide to leave well enough alone and not meddle with their history. It's odd though that it always stats out "If I knew then what I know now."

Here's what I mean:

If you went back into time knowing what you know now, you WOULD still be a product of the life you lead without those changes, would you not? I mean if you're going back in time with the same consciousness? So what fear would there be in turning out somehow different, because you decided to have the pancakes instead of the cavier?

Let's use a quick example for discussion's sake: Suppose a fat girl had decided NOT to go to fat-camp when she was a little girl. And let's assume that ultimately, this decision had a deep impact on how the rest of her life played out. She remained fat, got the last boyfriend, got made fun of...etc etc.

So she grew up lonely, but humble. Kind, but sad. If this person went back in time to when she could have that decision in front of her again, would she not be entering into it as that sad, lonely, humble, kind person? Would her decision to try life as a skinny person really have such a significant change on her as to make her less than what she was when she started?

It's possible that over time she could turn into a bitch and become stuck up. But isn't it equally possible that because she's been on the recieving end (once upon a time in an alternate timeline) that she'd turn out a little better?
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
0
16
51
Rule Britannia!
^^^ Yep. I agree wholeheartedly.




Although.....

I'm always suspicious of those deja vu moments in life.... what if I'm already controlling my own thoughts and, albeit subconciously, attempting to dictate my reaction to certain situations - from another time?


Dun dun durrrrrr.....
 

Klautermauffen

F-f-f-f-f-f-f-founderrr
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
3,846
26
68
32
Seattle
^^^ Yep. I agree wholeheartedly.




Although.....

I'm always suspicious of those deja vu moments in life.... what if I'm already controlling my own thoughts and, albeit subconciously, attempting to dictate my reaction to certain situations - from another time?


Dun dun durrrrrr.....
Yeah that's always puzzled me. I've always had a lot of deja vu dreams, and I mean they're about really mundane stuff, not anything special or life-changing.

Example:
In elementary, I would dream that someone would pull the ribbon from my hair to try to put it in their own and when I turned (while walking) to see who it was, I would first run into the tallest boy in our class and then bump into the door as the bell was ringing.

They're completely random, but it always makes me wonder how we're able to see our future in our dreams sometimes. And why only when we're dreaming? Is it only the subconscious that is receptive to these foresights? Then again, if it was truly the subconscious, I wouldn't have any memory of it, right?

just thoughts
 

Mamba

Uranium
Founder
May 22, 2008
2,288
1
66
Without reading the rest of the replies to this post I can honestly say I empathize and that I often ponder on the very same thoughts.

Would I have done that differently... if only I'd said that... if only I'd done a) instead of b). The trouble with this kind of thinking is it will inevitably lead to regret. Regret is not a feeling I want to live through every day. It's just a burden you carry around with you, making every thought and action heavier. I think regret is a stern teacher, to make us to be more concious of our actions when making decisions that affect ourselves and other people.

Of course, it's the same thing "If I knew what I knew now.. would I make the same choices? I honestly don't know. For all we know, our lives are already planned and if we attempt to move off the path we are on, we will be returned to a similar situation where we have to make the same choice... because that's the way it's supposed to be and that is our "life's lesson". I don't have all the answers, that's just my thoughts running away with me.

Undoubtedly, we wouldn't be the people who we are today had we not made those self-same choices. They are what make us different, special, unique. Free will lets us make choices to be different. Some of them no doubt bad, and some of them no doubt good... but who can really decide whether a choice is bad or good until the hand is dealt and the cards played out? Perhaps something you considered to be a bad choice at the time actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you and viceversa.

We can never know unless we live our stories until the end.
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
0
16
51
Rule Britannia!
We can never know unless we live our stories until the end.
Until the end of.... what?

How do we know we have lived our story, even at the point of death?

Are we to be reborn until we have fulfilled our destiny? How many chances do we get? And if that's the case, is this the true meaning of deja vu?




On a side note.....

I was once told that, in the case of persons that die young, they will continue to be reincarnated until they have completely lived.... so does this 'advise' condone suicide? IE "I fucked this one up, I'll top myself and start again". Where's the logic?


FYI: I have no belief in either God/s or reincarnation. All bollocks. *IMO*

:yociexp63:
 

Silly Cunt

Fingerbanger
Founder
Mar 30, 2008
382
0
16
41
Western Australia
I was once told that, in the case of persons that die young, they will continue to be reincarnated until they have completely lived.... so does this 'advise' condone suicide? IE "I fucked this one up, I'll top myself and start again". Where's the logic?


FYI: I have no belief in either God/s or reincarnation. All bollocks. *IMO*

:yociexp63:
Concur.

Suicide is often presented in articles as a 'last resort', but I believe that some people use it as a 'clean slate' and hope to start again. This is based on actual conversations with people I know.

I offer them a 13 loop noose, and promise to see them on the rebound. Just to see what what happens.

Footnote: these 2 people were of Christian faith, but they are still alive. =(
 

KommieKat

Mao's Pet Cat
Founder
Mar 2, 2008
3,497
6
68
58
Hong Kong, hiding from the Kommies!
Choices that you made way back when are dictating (hopefully) your choices you make now.

So, maybe you cannot go back into the past to make the changes, but you can go to the present and future to use those choices you feel need changing or non-repeating so to say.

So why bother comptemplating what could have been and focus on what can be?
Thats something you can deal with.

I take donations in the form of .999 Gold. Thank you.