Post your humour

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
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Mar 11, 2008
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Rule Britannia!
Jokes!

Fun, good clean fun.

I'll start....


Little 7-yr-old Billy asks his dad for a tv in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, "So what were you watching?"

Billy, sorry he ever asked, says "Wimbledon".

:10_003:
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
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Mar 11, 2008
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Rule Britannia!
Re: Post your humour...

^^^ Lol


A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
 

Scabman

I has title
Founder
Mar 20, 2008
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Norwyay
Re: Post your humour...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
 

KommieKat

Mao's Pet Cat
Founder
Mar 2, 2008
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Hong Kong, hiding from the Kommies!
Re: Post your humour...

A midget goes in to see the doctor complaining of pain around the inner thigh area.

The doctor ask him to hop up onto the table to check it out. Soon, you here clip clip, snip snip. "OK, you're finished. You can jump down off the table now."

The midget says "Wow! Feels great! What did you do?"

Doctor say "I just cut down on the length of your cowboy boots."
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
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Rule Britannia!
Re: Post your humour...

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'Come on, there are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.'
 

Sex?

I'm a dumb ass.
Jul 30, 2008
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Re: Post your humour...

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'Come on, there are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.'
Nice, Very nice. Kudos for this.
 

Scarlet

.
Founder
Mar 3, 2008
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Re: Post your humour...

The body builder takes off his
shirt and the blonde says,
'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of
dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the
blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and
the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in
fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks
why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, : I was afraid
to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the
fuse was!
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
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Rule Britannia!
Re: Post your humour...

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


:yociexp107:
 

Scarlet

.
Founder
Mar 3, 2008
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Re: Post your humour...

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the
husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in
his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years and
there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years,
have you ever been unfaithful to me?'



Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50
years, but always for a good reason.



Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,
'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good
reasons?''



Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were
married, and we were about to lose our little house because
we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one
evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?'



Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can
forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the
second time?'



Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick,
but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery
you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and,
if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'



'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my
life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me
about the third time.'



'Alright,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 173 more
votes...?'
 

InterStella

Shit Mum.... Yay!
Founder
Mar 11, 2008
738
0
16
51
Rule Britannia!
Re: Post your humour...

^^^ Hehehehe


*edit* I really, really did spill lemonade on my keyboard reading that! Luckily it's on the numbers bit, and I can't be arsed with invoices tonight, lol.
 

Scarlet

.
Founder
Mar 3, 2008
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Re: Post your humour...

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework. And number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."
 

Polar Bear

ppbbtt! -excuse me.
Founder
Mar 5, 2008
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Re: Post your humour...

Two bums are walking through a field and Bum number 1 says "Man, I gotta take a shit."

The other says "Dude, go ahead...nobody is watching." So Bum number 1 drops his drawers and squats. Seconds later, as the 2nd bum listens in, he hears an unfamilliar sound...

"Num num num num."


.....He looks around....


........"Num num num num."


....He looks down at his partner....


..."Num num num num."


2nd Bum says to the other "Man, when was the last time you ate?"

1st bum says "Why?"

2nd bum says "Because that sound is your asshole nibbling on the grass."