Someone Bet I Couldn't Write A Country Song

Kill_em_All

Family
Founder
Jul 29, 2008
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So I sat down and within fifteen minutes had this pounded out. Feel free to plagiarize it as most of my shit generally gets.

The Ex Wife Song


When I first met her she was cute and petite
She had long blonde hair, she was pretty and sweet
And she smelled like roses and tasted like the sweetest wine.
She made my knees week when we would kiss
And we entered the bond of marital bliss
And for the first ten years everything went just fine.

Well fast forward some years and a couple of kids
And a mountain of bills, and a life on the grid
And she started to bulk up and become a real pain in my ass
At first it was a gradual weight gain trip
And I’d notice her expanding a bit at the hips
But it didn’t take long for me to realize this phase wouldn’t pass.

Eventually she stopped caring completely
And gave up on her appearance all but discreetly
She found a permanent place for her ass right on the couch
She shoveled more and more food into her face
And became more and more of a waste of space
Not to mention her penchant for being a bit of a grouch.

Well she was six foot nine and 248
When she walked she made the whole damn house shake
Her hair looked like a mop of dusty fuzz.
Well I’d bet the farm she was hatched not born
And under that mop was a set of horns
And the only way I could be near her was to have a buzz.

She ate me out of house and home
But she’d swear to god that she was just big boned
And I’d have to make excuses to all my friends.
Well she looked like Jabba the Hut on drugs
And smelled like a pile of dirty wet rugs
And we’d have to evacuate when she broke wind.

She had a mole on her nose with three inch hair
And any place we went folks would stop and stare
And they’d laugh and point like she was a circus freak.
So there I’d stand, ashamed, broken, and sad
That I somehow ended up this bad
And wondered when my shitty life became so weak.


Well she dressed in fashion from 1980
And everything she ate was smothered in gravy
It was pitiful at best to say the dog gone least.
So it should come as no big surprise
When I finally woke up and realized
That it was high time that I divorced the hairy beast.

Well the judge looked in awe as she waddled into court
And swore that she’d get no financial support
But he buckled and cracked underneath her hateful grin.
Well he slapped me quick with spousal support
And said it was to keep up with her avid sport
Of gluttonous, buffet line destroying sin.

Well on top of that, she got the kids and the house
And what did I get as a supportive spouse?
A big fat bill that dwarfed her bulbous rear.
But on the upside of things, I kept the rings
And pawned them and bought some newer things
Like a PS3 and all the add-on gear.

So now I sit in a mobile home
With a wife beater on, no money, no phone
Just a lifetime of debt, a soulless damn disgrace
And if I had it to do it all over again
I’d save the trouble and not give in
And buy a shotgun…….and shoot myself in the face.
 

Kill_em_All

Family
Founder
Jul 29, 2008
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You've never heard Boy Named Sue? Give me the address of the fucking rock you're living under and I'll send you the CD.

Jesus. Johnny Cash, man.
 

Incognito

Family
Mar 11, 2008
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Florida
Suck my dick... all of you. Get in line and prepare to be throat fucked.

Btw, Fartstorm gets to swallow the load... because he's special (sorry Titty).
 

Firestorm

n00b
Founder
May 7, 2008
404
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Somewhere
Suck my dick... all of you. Get in line and prepare to be throat fucked.

Btw, Fartstorm gets to swallow the load... because he's special (sorry Titty).
I feel so special. I'll pass on the load though, I'm sure your imaginary girlfriend needs it more.