Split Parenting and Family Stuff

Syenite

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Oct 23, 2013
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Okay, so here's the backstory:

My current manfriend already has a munchkin with another lady. This other lady has major problems with the concept of letting go of a relationship. The type of woman who threatens to take away visitation if he doesn't try to work their relationship out etc. Their son is 10 months old, they broke up before they even found out she was pregnant, but she still seems to be having issues letting go. Now, they still do 'family stuff' together. As in, they all get in the van and go to his family's for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They also get together nearly weekly to do something together with their son.

I've already made it quite clear that this will NOT be the case if him and I split up. In my opinion, if you're not together, then you're not together. You have your Christmas (be it early or on the day, switching periodically) and then they have their Christmas with the child.

Now, it's not like divorce or children born out of wedlock/relationship is unusual these days. So my question is, what are your opinions on how split parents should manage visitation?
 

Unhappy Camper

Hells yeah
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So my question is, what are your opinions on how split parents should manage visitation?
Background:

I've been married a few times. Kid with wife #1 and Kid with wife #2.


Co-parenting in my case was a 100% no go as the break-ups were hostile.


In my humble opinion your situation sounds already like drama llama central. AVOID IT. You got enough on your plate as it is.

Parent separately but with an understanding that each of you tries his/her best NOT to undermine the other parent.

50/50 is nearly impossible to maintain if its a LEGAL requirement so try and work out an amicable deal whereby you both can move visit dates if needed and can alternate holidays and special events.

If he's a dick and you are an unflinching cold heart-ed bitch then the courts will own your baby and tell you both what to do. ( well .. at least it is here in the US.)
 

Absinthe

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on how split parents should manage visitation?
I don't think she can take away visitation. Isn't this usually set up by the court at the same time they determine child support?

I don't want to get into discussing the point that he is doing "family stuff" with her and doesn't spend time with you.

To answer your question, I will use my brother's situation as an example: He has a daughter from a previous relationship. The girl spends every other weekend with him and his wife. One Christmas she will spend with his family, the next Christmas with her mother's. The same applies to the Christmas Days. If she spend Christmas Eve with her Mom, she will spend the next day with her Dad. It works out pretty well so far.
 

Zeabot

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Oct 25, 2013
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NOT to undermine the other parent.
I think that is really important. It is hard to do that, even in a loving relationship, let alone separately.

Unless the "other" is a complete shitbag, I firmly believe children need two loving parents. That way, the child can be given options on how they develop their personality.
 

Bunnee

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The fact that I have 3 children to my ex and we've been spilt for 4 years would give you the impression I know something about this kind of thing.... I don't though. My kids' dad is a worthless bum. He's rarely taken an interest in the kids and they've perhaps seen him 2 x a year since.

However, I suggest you tell your current man-friend to RUUUUNNNN for the hills, because his ex sounds like a goddamn psycho. Just take the bitch to court and get visitation that way. For real.
 

Syenite

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Oh, I also forgot one minor detail, that him and I live about 8 hours away from eachother. Since my apprenticeship will be done right before I go on mat leave and when I return to working I'll be able to choose virtually anywhere that I want to work, the plan WAS to move closer. Since it is much easier for me than for him.

In my humble opinion your situation sounds already like drama llama central. AVOID IT. You got enough on your plate as it is.

Parent separately but with an understanding that each of you tries his/her best NOT to undermine the other parent.

50/50 is nearly impossible to maintain if its a LEGAL requirement so try and work out an amicable deal whereby you both can move visit dates if needed and can alternate holidays and special events.
My mom and dad did the divorce thing when I was a baby. I grew up with the exact conditions that everyone else has mentioned, and was perfectly happy with them. For some reason he and she seem to have a big issue with it.


I don't think she can take away visitation. Isn't this usually set up by the court at the same time they determine child support?

I don't want to get into discussing the point that he is doing "family stuff" with her and doesn't spend time with you.

Since they were never married and haven't been to court to determine either child support (which he does pay, they just agreed on an amount) or visitation, she has the right to pack up and take the kid to Mexico if she so chooses. Which is why he wasn't going to tell her until they got a visitation agreement signed. Why he told her before is beyond me, and I have voiced quite openly how stupid I think he is for it.

And, I tried to get away from the time spending part, because truthfully it makes me vengefully jealous.


However, I suggest you tell your current man-friend to RUUUUNNNN for the hills, because his ex sounds like a goddamn psycho. Just take the bitch to court and get visitation that way. For real.
Did I mention she managed to get ahold of me and tried to convince me to have an abortion for an hour because "it isn't right to bring a child into the world when they won't be able to have their father all the time"? Psycho is right. But at this point it's his choice to deal with it the way he is.

And I think he honestly believes that the way they go about playing mommy and daddy together with their son is the right way to go about things. I'm just trying to decide if I really want to move there and put my child into a position where they have to deal with dad leaving periodically to spend time with his 'other family'.
 

Bunnee

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Well.. if you are having a child with this man, quite frankly it's YOUR decision too, since you're kinda the kids step-mom. You need to talk to your man, and work it out, because it's gonna cause huge issues between you and him later on.

I do, however unserstand his point of view and why he wants to do this "family thing" with her. it's for the child, not for her. he just wants his child happy, which is understandable... Still it sounds like a cluster-fuck of drama and problems just waiting to erupt, if you ask me.
 

Unhappy Camper

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I'm just trying to decide if I really want to move there and put my child into a position where they have to deal with dad leaving periodically to spend time with his 'other family'.

A decisions that is 100% yours to make.

Opinion: Sounds shitty to move just so the sperm donor can interact with kid. Plenty of kids do just fine with one adult.

In fact I'd wager one adult is way more better-er than two with drama.
 

Bunnee

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In fact I'd wager one adult is way more better-er than two with drama.
damn right!

While we together the ex told me "i don't want the kids to have rules.. you'll ruin thier psyche"


You've heard the expression Mother's know best?

It's probably because we (90% of the time) do.
 

Negativecool

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Dear Deadly.

You have a very fuckable body (as evidenced by the fact that you've been fertilized...sooo I guess you used to have a fuckable body, but baby weight can be vomited away quickly). Fuckable bodies are hot commodities in today's economy. Further investing in your hot commodity will yield a much better pole to suck in return.
I suggest you stay eight hours away for the time being, and, when the time comes, move another eight hours away. For as previously stated, the better the body and the prettier the face will always equate to a larger pool to select from...no matter how much baggage(#of kids) or how flaccid the mind.

In short. Take your kid, run for the hills, and become a trophy wife for a financially successful twat that thanks god that he even gets to smell your vagina every day...

Sincerely,
Neg
 

KommieKat

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Hong Kong, hiding from the Kommies!
Plenty of kids do just fine with one adult.

In fact I'd wager one adult is way more better-er than two with drama.
And that's another reason why I moved to Hong Kong and have my kids with their mom in Japan.
I see them once a year if I'm lucky. We do have email and web camera. It's sad, but it was for their own good because of the drama crap.
They just don't need that and I'm willing to live far away to give them peace in the house.
 

Syenite

Flying squirrel vagina
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Oct 23, 2013
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Redneckville, Canada.
Dear Deadly.

You have a very fuckable body (as evidenced by the fact that you've been fertilized...sooo I guess you used to have a fuckable body, but baby weight can be vomited away quickly). Fuckable bodies are hot commodities in today's economy. Further investing in your hot commodity will yield a much better pole to suck in return.
I suggest you stay eight hours away for the time being, and, when the time comes, move another eight hours away. For as previously stated, the better the body and the prettier the face will always equate to a larger pool to select from...no matter how much baggage(#of kids) or how flaccid the mind.

In short. Take your kid, run for the hills, and become a trophy wife for a financially successful twat that thanks god that he even gets to smell your vagina every day...

Sincerely,
Neg
Umm. Thanks Neg, that was... sweet.

A decisions that is 100% yours to make.

Opinion: Sounds shitty to move just so the sperm donor can interact with kid. Plenty of kids do just fine with one adult.

In fact I'd wager one adult is way more better-er than two with drama.
Yeah. When I'm at the point where I'm only 18 weeks and already think that this whole thing would be easier solo, maybe it's time to lose the dead weight. Buuut, I have over a year to decide for sure what I'mma do. No rush. Who knows, maybe he'll grow some balls and man up for a change.

damn right!

While we together the ex told me "i don't want the kids to have rules.. you'll ruin thier psyche"


You've heard the expression Mother's know best?

It's probably because we (90% of the time) do.
Ahahha. Children shouldn't have rules. And dogs should be allowed to pee in the house. Uh-huh. :p

And that's another reason why I moved to Hong Kong and have my kids with their mom in Japan.
I see them once a year if I'm lucky. We do have email and web camera. It's sad, but it was for their own good because of the drama crap.
They just don't need that and I'm willing to live far away to give them peace in the house.
Sometimes it's better. In this case I'm thinking that him living far away is best. Also given that he doesn't have a vehicle or money to regular transport could become convenient as well... buuuut that's a different story.
 

Syenite

Flying squirrel vagina
Founder
Oct 23, 2013
582
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Redneckville, Canada.
Update: If any of you were wondering that is, I am in fact now free of the deadbeat douche bag.

On another note, this leaves me with the question, of getting him to sign over rights or taking him for child support? Decisions, decisions.
 

Syenite

Flying squirrel vagina
Founder
Oct 23, 2013
582
37
28
Redneckville, Canada.
Dear Deadly.

You have a very fuckable body (as evidenced by the fact that you've been fertilized...sooo I guess you used to have a fuckable body, but baby weight can be vomited away quickly). Fuckable bodies are hot commodities in today's economy. Further investing in your hot commodity will yield a much better pole to suck in return.
I suggest you stay eight hours away for the time being, and, when the time comes, move another eight hours away. For as previously stated, the better the body and the prettier the face will always equate to a larger pool to select from...no matter how much baggage(#of kids) or how flaccid the mind.

In short. Take your kid, run for the hills, and become a trophy wife for a financially successful twat that thanks god that he even gets to smell your vagina every day...

Sincerely,
Neg
Oh how right you were. How right you were.