The Wives Bill Of Rights

Polar Bear

ppbbtt! -excuse me.
Founder
Mar 5, 2008
1,009
15
68
45
Wives Bill Of Rights (As taken from MSN Lifestyles http://men.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6750191 )


Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you fell in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.


How do you guys feel about this list? Is it 100% doable? Is it fair?

Discuss.
 

Cúchulainn

Asshole 7
Apr 11, 2008
470
0
16
33
You may have access to a gun, but I've got the chloroform and the handcuffs. Get back in the kitchen, bitch. And get me a beer.
 

suki

Family
Apr 1, 2008
148
0
16
43
I'd like to add:

-rub my tooshie upon request and of your own volition
-bring me chocolate
-make me tea
-eat my cooter
 

Shade

I fucking rule!
Mar 20, 2008
483
0
16
41
Nowhere
These are all conditional.

1. Sure, Atleast give them a chance, a fair chance, not a woman chance. a woman chance is taking a glance and saying 'i dont like them' or waiting out the tme with prejudgement and seething hatred.

2. It's not ok for me to take it out on you when i have a migraine, a stomach ache, or am really sick, then its not alright to take out the pms on us. If you can't control, fine, but don't expect me to talk to you during that time of the month. Because thats what space means.

3. Reasonable.

4. We get the right to say i dont want to talk about it right now, and not have it be pushed. Sometimes we like to figure things out so you dont have to worry about them. Thats part of being a man.

5. Fine, but then you can't tell your girlfriends the secrets we have. IE; if we fuck up in bed, they dont get to know, if we are struggling with work, they dont get to know, if we had an emotional breakthrough they dont get to know. You respect our secrets, we will gladly respect yours.

6. If we where that way when you married us, then don't expect it to change. Thats what you said after all right?

7. Yeah, i hate to tell you this, you use our screw drivers and tools. If you leave a 15 dollar bar of soap out, atleast label it. We dont know the fucking difference.

8. Dont expect us to like them, dont tell them our private secrets. Unless of course you want to repeal your rules. You want to talk to them about why a psycho killed a 12 yearold girl, go ahead, But if you say i couldn't keep it up last night, i'm telling my guy friends that you stuff, and your real age.

9. Then so do we. There isnt a non jelous flirt that gets you a free stay at a ski resort. Making us jelous makes us remember sure, but in an unhealthy way. You want an ego boost, and want us to remember, here's 20 bucks, go get a black silk teddy. Further more, if you can flirt, then you must agree that its ok for us to hit on random chicks as well. Always remember, in jelously games, you always lose. Most guys would prefer no one flirts.

10. Fine by most of us. Then we reserve the right to have kinky sex, and for you to dress up during said acts. If we give you a wine, soft mushy making love night, we want a slutty, hardcore fuckfest on our part. We will gladly agree anything in between will be reguarded as mutual.

In response to eating sushi's twat. It is only fair. However, women like you, need to take showers before doing that. trust me, it can fucking smell. Some guys to do, PB you know who you are. Furthermore, i invoke the lazy rule. If you just lay there 90% of the time, eating you out is not fair at all. If you give a half assed blow job, expect us to be half assed as well. don't give that excuse of being to tired, or that you can't do anything on the bottom. Because most of us sure as hell still do crap. Laying there like a dead hooker can kill our desire to be with you.
 

Violet

Yaa!
Founder
Feb 28, 2014
765
9
18
Eh, this is another one of those things written by some chick who thinks she can speak for women everywhere. I, for one, can't really identify with all of these "amendments."

I'll see what I can do to fix them up to suit me, though.

Amendment I said:
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
If your friend is an asshole, I don't really want them to come hang out in our house. If you can get him to stop being an asshole, I'll give it a shot.

Oh, and if your friends fuck up our house, you're cleaning it up.

Amendment II said:
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Tell ya what.. If I become completely unbearable for a few days a month, tell me. Politely. I'll go score a bottle of Midol.

This one doesn't much apply to me, though. I've been on the pill for ages, so I don't usually have the PMS symptoms most ladies do. When I wasn't on the pill, I didn't really get bitchy. I'd just occasionally cry over stupid shit like the end of Scrooged, where Bill Murray was looking into the camera and telling everyone to have a good Christmas.

Amendment III said:
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Okay, this one I get. Don't be a dick and pretend like you're going to do the dishes, only to walk away from the sink and let the water get all cold and gross.

Amendment IV said:
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Yeah, I don't get it. This should just be common sense, for EVERYONE.

You want some time alone to think? Spiffy. Just let me know. I'll try to do the same for you.


Amendment V said:
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Again, let's not turn this into a woman thing. You don't want me to tell everyone your little secrets, don't tell everyone mine. Deal?

Amendment VI said:
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Fuck you. A fart can be quite funny.


(Just not first thing in the morning, before I've even had a chance to brush my teeth. I have a weak stomach first thing in the morning. Read me, Chappy?)

Amendment VII said:
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Wanna use my soap? Go for it. But you'll smell like a GIRL... and I will laugh at you for it.

Amendment VIII said:
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
This is another that doesn't apply to me.

I do like to chat with my girl buddies on occasion, but I don't necessarily want to talk about my boyfriend every time. More often than not we have plenty of other stuff to talk about. (Not that my boyfriend never comes up, but Christ. Do we really need a whole amendment for it?)

Amendment IX said:
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you fell in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
This one seems a bit hypocritical to me. I mean, why do we need to reserve the right to flirt. If I'm feeling a little shortchanged on the attention side, I'm not going to run around town flirting with the paperboy to make me feel better.

Flirts are flirts. If the boyfriend is content with you being a flirt (and he's dating you, so he's probably already aware of it) then so be it. Some chicks DO need to feel desired by others to feel better about themselves, and that's cool. Some people do it just because it's fun. Just don't give me some bullshit that it's anyone's right to flirt. Discuss it with your partner if it's an issue, and don't be surprised when you catch him flirting with someone.

Amendment X said:
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
Foreplay rocks. Quickies rock. Sex rocks.

What were we talking about again?
 

Polar Bear

ppbbtt! -excuse me.
Founder
Mar 5, 2008
1,009
15
68
45
A fart can be quite funny.


(Just not first thing in the morning, before I've even had a chance to brush my teeth. I have a weak stomach first thing in the morning. Read me, Chappy?)
Heh.