To Funny

Zollo

Dude!
Dec 14, 2008
72
0
6
52
I received this in an e-mail, had me rolling. I could so see my dumb ass doing this.

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an
> electric fence! We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few
> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
> city.

> To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
> single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
> charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.
> Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the
> key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel
> pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
> fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
> hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
> balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards
> and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
> Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
> head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence
> charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
> electrical impulses.

> Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time.. I beg to differ.
> Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied
> 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
> .
> It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
> together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

> At this point I'm about
> 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is
> wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so
> I know all about electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers
> made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
> tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
> accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
> soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take
> it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower
> is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
> had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee,
> and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'.
> But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
> there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
> its owner's right foot.

> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
> my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...
> He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
> stupidity had created.

> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
> the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
> later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
> spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
> the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
> assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
> let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
> realized a few things.

> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).

> 3- Poop & pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

> 4- My left eye will not open.

> 5- My right eye will not close.

> 6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think our
> little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
> better than new after that.

> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still dont understand this?)

> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow.